Someone shit on the floor
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
