You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
