she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
