I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
