these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
