We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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