so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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