he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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