my phone needs a breathalizer
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
