the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
