Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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