sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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