Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
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