my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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