and she was petting her beer can
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
