So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
