My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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