i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You're breaking my sexual little heart
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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