lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
nutella sex= disaster
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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