these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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