if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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