Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
