happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
