Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
