one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
