It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
