I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
