I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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