I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
