I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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