you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
