All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
