She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
