there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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