Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Someone came in the potted fern
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
