Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Randomize
