At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
