Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I am spending my child support on dildos
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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