Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just threw up on my dentist
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
