He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
