just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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