JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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