I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
