"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
