May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
