I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
