Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize