The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
