i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
