Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
we're so committed to being not committed
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
