I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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