dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
