jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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