i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
