some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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