Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
