oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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