You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
