Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
