"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
