meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
