Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
