Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize