Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
