i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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