Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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