my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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